1st June 2016

What ho, old bean.

A posh University Challenge student has been charged with rape.

Bartholomew Cuthbert Joly de Lotbiniere has been alledged to have carried out a string of sex offences including rape.

If he's convicted I reckon he should change his name to "Lobitinthere"


Things overheard in the playground #261

"X (aged 9) got Star of the Week this week because he used toilet paper instead of his hand"

Hygienic.  And this is the same school where a Muslim kid called a non Muslim kid "dirty" because she had a ham sandwich.

Dirty?  Dirty is wiping your arse with your hand, pal.


James Bond

Monkey on Toast can exclusively reveal the next James Bond.


New Feature!

We've a new feature here at Monkey on Toast called Headline Makers.

It's a collection of scenarios and the potential newspaper headlines for them!

Feel free to send yours in, see the contact details on the About page.


Gorilla's will be missed

So the internet's gone wild over a gorilla that was shot because a child "fell" into its enclosure.

Experts who have never been to a zoo claim the gorilla, Harambe, shouldn't have been killed because it was protecting the child.

We've all seen the footage and while we're all animal lovers the shooting of the beast isn't as senseless as it may seem.

It has been stated that a tranquilizer dart wouldn't have taken immediate effect which could have brought harm to the child, Harambe could have drowned if the tranq kicked in whilst in the water and it's possible the child could have actually been squashed, possibly in the water.

Internet judges blame the parents, they should be shot apparently.

But it's not a black and white case against the gorilla, the parents or the child.

It appears fairly clear cut that Harambe wasn't exactly protecting the child and offering him up to any of the zoo staff.

It appears fairly clear cut that the child actually WANTED to get into the enclosure.  Having been heard several times saying he wanted to get into the enclosure, I find it very hard to believe the child "fell" into the enclose, I am of the belief he actually sought out a way to do so.

It appears fairly clear cut the parents are fuckwitts for not watching their child in public and for not keeping hold of him when it became clear what his intentions were.

It's possible Harambe wouldn't have brought any harm on the child, but is that really a risk worth taking?

Yes, it's sad a rare beast was shot but you have to do what you think is right at the time, I can't think of another way this situation could have been resolved.


And finally...

A man is arrested for wearing a t-shirt.

Until next time.