Satire

A woman from Croyden claims she was "slut shamed" recently by her friend after eating lunch.

Chelsea Flarr-Show, 33 claims says she went out with her friends on a Saturday afternoon and was called rude names that insinuated she slept around.

"I went aht wiv da girls for a few glasses ov vino on a Saturday afternoon, it got to about 6 o clock and my friend Tanya said she was getting 'ungry and maybe we should eat.  I said I was still full from lunch and didn't want to eat anything else.  That's when she tutted and muttered 'slag' under her breath.  I was gobsmacked!"

Chelsea is seeking damages to her reputation, suggesting she's very open to a game of "Hide the sausage".

"When Tanya asked if I wanted summat to eat, I said I was full from lunchtime.  Alls I said was that I'd had Five Guys before I come aht".

The case continues.

Pfizer head cheese Albert Boursin has announced the company is working on a new "Anti-Winter vaccine".

Boursin, pictured, said the new vaccine was needed for people who will struggle to heat their homes this winter due to greedy energy companies.

"As soon as I saw the price of gas and electricity going up I immediately thought something had to be done," he says, "which is why we've come up with a new vaccine."

The pharma giant is currently trialling the drug known as "Diagra", which works by effectively killing the taker after just a single dose.

"The idea is that people who are concerned about not being able to pay their bills or even heat their homes can take a single dose of Diagra, within 12 hours they will be dead and won't have any more worries.  If they get cremated afterwards they will have all the heat they need!"

So far the trial has a 100% success rate, Boursin adds, "It really is a marvel.  It's both safe and effective.  Well, maybe not safe, LOL"

A woman from Croydon claims an oversexed midget who bears an uncanny resemblance to Professor Chris Witty gave her 3 doses.

The lady, known as Kate says the midget promised to give her a COVID-19 vaccination but instead left her with a nasty itch.

"Instead of getting 3 doses of Astra Zeneca, I've ended up with 3 doses of the clap!", she says, "I don't think that's what Boris meant when he said to clap for the NHS!"

We've managed to track down the midget and can reveal he is known as Chris "Itty" Bitty, and works in Poundstretcher.

We telephoned Chris to see if he had time to talk to us but he said he was "a little short".

The case continues.

An Insulate Britain activist who was imprisoned for 2 years has died in prison, we can reveal.

Jenny Tull, 52 from Dulwich was sent to prison after being found guilty of repeatedly blocking major roads in the UK.

It is thought that Jenny contracted pneumonia whilst in what she had referred to as a "particularly draughty cell".

One inmate said, "She was quite cold all the time, we told her to get some jumpers on but she just kept banging on about wanting the Government to provide her with free jumpers.  She was a bit of a daft get if I'm honest"

Tull will be eligible for parole in 12 months.