Adverts

Such an awful advert, the yoof would call it "proper cringe".

Here's the first episode of a new feature called "Monkey Pods"...

It's not safe to work or kids.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, I've found the new WIFI Blaster!

Oh yes!  And it's a doozy.

This one isn't anything to do with your internet or your ISP though.  Oh no, we've moved on to a different utility: Electricity.

 

Yeah!  A new breakthrough device that cuts your electricity bill by up to 90%  Wow!

Tell us more, Dave Freeman, who looks suspiciously like Dave Gorman.

Well all you need to do is...

WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE!

Who pays £251 a MONTH on electricity?!  What are you doing, executing people in an electric chair?!

But anyway, if you are paying £251 a month and only want to pay £15 then let's look at the solution...

WAIT A MINUTE!

You probably pay around £15 a month just on standing charges alone.  I'm starting to feel like this might be bullshit.

Go on Dave, tell us.

Well, all you have to do is plug one or more of these little devices into sockets in your house and voila!  

Oh, those are nice aren't they?  Apart from just having a nice green light what does it do?

According to the site: "Once you've plugged it in, Voltex will get to work. Within a few days, it will begin to make efficient use of your energy while allowing you to reap the rewards of a more robust household appliance life-cycle".

A few days?  So it just lights up and doesn't do much for a few days then?  How many?  And why doesn't it get to work right away?

Does it need to unpack its gear and all that?

The site claims that devices draw more power than they need to and therefore run inefficiently.  These devices apparently stop that happening.

They don't really say why and how.  But apparently "they" (the electric companies) don't like it and don't want you to know about it either.

Sounds suspiciously like every other scam - not that this IS a scam, honest.

No wait.

Of course it's a fucking scam.  You don't need to be an electrician to see that this just isn't possible.  It's a device that plugs in and because it lights up to show you it's "working" it uses MORE electricity, you daft get.

It doesn't DO anything - at the very BEST it's a surge protector.  At it's worst, it's a shit light.

I love the reviews though!  When I first discovered this weeks ago there was an actual review where the chap "reviewing" it claimed sometimes he had to decide whether to have his electric on OR eat.  Fuck off.  Nobody is that poor, and they certainly don't spend £50 on a device that might reduce their electric bill.  Yep,  £50 for 1 device, 2 for £99 or 3 for £135.

All that money on a device that does nothing.

Anyway, I liked this review by "Marc":

He was sold!  Oh I'm so pleased. 

He says the's now paying half of what he used to pay. Hmm Unless I'm mistaken, half is 50%, not the 90% claimed earlier.

Anyway, Marc was really impressed with Voltex (which sounds like a shit space villain) he wasted, I mean spent some more money on several more devices and his bill was lowered even more.  Amazing!  Soon the electric firm will be paying him!

Make a note of Marc, in Glasgow, right.

Because I did a reverse image search of Marc and found he's loving Voltex in other countries too!

There he is, the lovable shit, spreading joy and possibly bullshit in Philly as well.

Bless.

Anyway... Marc also appeared on some other Voltex sites.  There's a Voltbox too, which has the same site layout etc as well as as an advert for a portable AC device:

He gets everywhere this chap, like a mad womans shit.

 

Anyway, have you wondered who has invented such a wonderful device?

It's these fellas.

 

or it might be these lads

I can't tell.  They're definitely not the same chaps.

But a reverse image search of the above does take you to a stock image site:

 

So I think it's safe to safe this is a massive load of old cock.

 

See for yourself.

 

Britain's stupidest man is a back to millionaire status again!  Yay!

Yes, it's true, HONEST!!  The lovable rogue massive tit-end who won circa £7m on the National Lottery then blew it all on a house, cars, beer and drugs is rich again because of BITCOIN!

Yes, indeed, he was on "This Morning" with Holly and Phil where he told everyone all about the Bitcoin System.

Wait a second!

 

This would be the same "This Morning" (with Holly and Phil) where Peter Jones, Ant McPartlin and that Akshay lad told the world about Bitcoin System?  

Oh, so it's not true then?

Sadly not.  You see, if Michael Carroll was down to his last £195, instead of putting it into the Bitcoin System, he'd buy a gram of coke, some beer and probably just waste the rest.

Who is going to be next on the "This Morning Bitcoin System" adverts?  I really hope it's Nicholas Lyndhurst or one of Black Lace.

 

When I saw this advert on Facebook I thought, "Oh I didn't know Peter Jones was dead.  That's not been on the news".

So I clicked it, and what I saw was not a news website telling me how he'd died in a freak yachting accident or that he'd been murdered by Antifa, no it turns out the "Dreadful day in Britain" turned out to be an advert for, wait for it... BITCOIN!  Who the fuck knew?

You've probably guessed by now that I love a quality Bitcoin advert, and this smelled of fakeness within ooh, nanoseconds.

Purporting to be a Forbes article, this was anything but.

Click here for the article that absolutely isn't Forbes.

So, what does the article tell us?

Well, it claims that Peter Jones went on "This Morning with Holly and Phil" and told them both how he "made millions of dollars over the last few months outside of [his] regular businesses".

 Dollars eh?  Oh right.

Go on.

"I'll explain what Bitcoin System is in just a bit. But first, to prove how amazing this system really is. Holly, I'm going to give you £190 to deposit and try it for yourself right now."

Jones then wrote a check to Holly for £190, which she deposited into the system to try for herself. Within minutes, Holly's jaw dropped open as she began making a real profit - on live television!

Ah right.  He wrote out a cheque on air.  Holly then took it to her bank and waited 3 days for it to clear before depositing said funds into the system.  That sounds like a terribly boring episode of This Morning.

 

Within minutes, naturally, Holly began making money LIVE ON AIR!

Bloody astounded she was.

See.  Astounded.

Peter Jones then went to (NOT) say, "That's why I use Bitcoin System to do it for me automatically. It's is backed by Bill Gates, Richard Branson and Mark Zuckerberg - some of the smartest tech minds on the planet".

Richard Branson, a smart tech mind?  Get in the fucking sea.

Jones then swore, LIVE on THIS MORNING WITH HOLLY AND PHIL by saying, "Now I'm not going to bullshit you or your viewers. Not every trade is a profitable one. See, the automated software using advanced machine learning and data modelling to make trades. To be honest, I barely know what that means besides it works very well".

Think this is a load of bullshit yet?

Good, I'm glad, because people will fall for this.  Toast readers won't of course as you're the smart ones. 

Then there's a picture of a guy called James Howie who supposedly phoned the show.  A quick Google Image Search and look!

There's an almost identical article but instead of Peter Jones it's Gordon Ramsey.

He too wrote out a cheque for £195 and gave it to Holly who deposited and started earning money.

Oh and there's Holly astounded all over again.

Frankly I'm astouded too.  She's already worn that top on TV.

And of course there's the obligatory "Reader Results".

 

Hold on, who's this?

It's Lily!  She's making $3k+ a week!

Brexit's a fucker then, because before, she was earning £3k+ a week.

See.

If this system was truly any good they wouldn't need to create fake adverts,the results would speak for themselves.