Where you been?

Well, I've not been to London to see the Queen, nor have I been in prison.  Honest.

I guess it was just a little difficult to do updates and satire when life appears to be imitating art.

For example, back in March we brought you this satirical article about a man wanting a smear test.  Only for this article to appear a few weeks ago.

What else has been happening?  Well, a man was convicted for making a joke.

Tommy Robinson was sent to prison, some say for nothing.

Now, whether you like him or not it's clear he didn't really go to prison for nothing.  He was done for contempt of court.  However, what worries me is the speed in which he was arrested and sent to prison; it all happened within a matter of hours.  It's almost like the it was planned by the Establishment.  You don't get that kind of speed out of them normally.

Donald Trump came to England and a load of moaning minnies protested without really know what they were protesting about!

Did you see some of the interviews with all the freaks?  They had no idea why they were there.

One interview went along the lines of, "We're here because like, you know, it's er, like Donald Trump and that, and er we're angry like you know, because it's Trump"

Right, OK.

Meanwhile, an "award winning" comedian that nobody has heard of gets away with going on Twitter posting pictures like this:

Now, this picture is quite disturbing in that the copper is high-fiving Janey Godley - the same police force that convicted Count Dankula for a joke where as the Judge said, "Context does not matter".

I approached the Scottish Police to comment on this picture and did not receive a response.  I bet if the sign had anyone other than Trump's name on it this "hilarious" (sarcasm, dear) comedian would have been prosecuted.

Double standards from an already awful police force.

But this also shows what the level of comedy is now at, it's "peak comedy" to just call Trump names.  Wow, that's proper hilarious.  Shit comedians go for the easy targets, good comedians put some thought into what they're doing.

It's the same with Brexit and why I no longer watch BBC Comedy.

However... Has the BBC started to fight back against the lefty nonsense?  This video from Tracey Ullman's "Tracey breaks the news" is brilliant.

 

Didn't Happen

Seems to be a new thing at the moment of people posting things on Twitter or Facebook which clearly didn't fucking happen.  For example, at the start of the world cup one person claimed, "I asked my 6 year old son who he wanted to win out of Russia and Saudi Arabia (for the first WC game) and he replied, 'Which one has the best human rights record?'"

Which couldn't be any more bullshit if it was claimed his son was riding a unicorn.

So when I saw this article today it screamed "Bullshit" to me.

A drag queen claims he was "transphobically abused" whilst on a bus dressed in womens clothing.  Really?  Sounds like horse shit.

Wanna know why?

Well, he's a drag queen and therefore not trans...  He can't be transphobed (new word I just made up) anymore than I can be shamed for being a fish.

There's no mention of requesting the bus CCTV, no mention of police involvment and he's so scared for his life he's just so happened to have remembered every single word that was said to him.

Didn't fucking happen.

Then we have this twat on Twitter who claims she "Had lewd comments made about me by four men in what was, at most, a twenty minute journey in", she continues, "It’s hot outside and I should be allowed to be comfortable without being harassed every single fucking day".

Posting a selfie in a tight black dress doesn't come across as "LOOK AT ME!  LOOK AT ME!" at all.  Tight, black dresses, just what you want to be comfortable in on as she says a hot day.

Didn't fucking happen.

And finally...

Let's find the negative in everything

 

 

 

Baby Alfie

Before I start, hear me out.  Don't presume I'm a heartless bastard, because I not.  Not always.

The case of baby Alfie been going on for months, he's spent months in hospital, the doctors have done all they can for him.

So they've requested numerous times to halt any further treatment because, let's be honest, there is no further treatment available apart from a miracle.

The parents, somewhat understandably have persisted with the hospital and doctors to keep the treatment ongoing.  Some might say they're desperate.

And I can understand that.

But they have to be realistic as well, Alfie hasn't responded to treatment, he hasn't gotten any better.  He's in the same state he was before, just a few weeks and months older.

He's in a persistent vegetative state, he's not going to "grow out" of it, there is no miracle cure.  Essentially he's brain dead.

The parents, not wanting to take no for an answer took to social media to help their cause.  Has it helped?  Not at all.

All it's done is show the world that Facebook IS full of morons who think they know better than everyone else, including doctors because they don't want to see a baby die.

Nobody WANTS to see the baby die for fucks sake, it is however the only thing that can be guaranteed.

And of course Facebook sports the "activists" (aka Knob heads), those calling the doctors and nurses "murderers", like they sit around a table in a conference room deciding the fate of children.  Yes, of course Doctor Farad said just this morning in a meeting, "You know that lad in ward 3?  The one with the funny mouth?  No, not him, you know, knobhead one?  Yes, him, well fuck it, I reckon we let him go next, can't be arsed with him the whiny little twat".

 Anyone with any recent experience of the NHS, be it in a work or patient capacity knows it's stretched more than Kate Middleton's tuppence.  These people work their arses off caring for you, me and our kids.  Who the fuck are you to call them uncaring or murderers?

And there's been a few times on Facebook I've seen people actually asking "Why haven't the hospital released a statement about him?"

Well, 2 reasons really, you thick shite:

  1.  Patient confidentiality, the doctors and nurses are obliged to talk to the parents only
  2. It's got fuck all with you, you nosey old trout

So, if you really favour hospitals reading statements out about random patients, here we go love:

"Guy's Hospital would like to announce that Susan here has just been treated for a terrible case of hemorrhoids, and while we were at it we gave her something for her fanny, it's kicking out a right stink".

You want that, Susan, do you?

Leave the hospital to do their job, they know what they're doing.  They're doing what is right for that child, and more importantly what they're doing is LEGAL.

Stop with your faux-activism, and your bandwagon jumping, try even getting yourself a job.

 

Speaking of Kate Middleton's Tuppence

I see we have a new Royal baby.  And whilst my field of fucks remains barren on the subject I was disappointed to see this tweet yesterday from a leading and very popular TV historian:

I mean, really?  This is from a fairly serious lady, who generally takes no shit on Twitter.  But to come out with something like this shows a lack of class.

I don't know if said historian is struggling with infertility, having IVF or recently had a miscarriage but what the hell has that got to do with the Royal baby?

Making it about yourself, or virtue signalling to others who may be in the situation is just not fair.

It's basically saying, "I can't have a baby so nobody else should be happy about having one either"

 

Racism Corner


Roulette wheels are racist claims total plonker

 

And finally...

The BBC annoyed me this week with this article.

Why?  Because the title they used to link it from the BBC News site (which has since disappeared) appeared to be a terrible form of Clickbait and misleading question.

I didn't take a screenshot of it at the time as I thought I'd be able to find it again so only saved the link itself but the link basically said something along the lines of "Has British tolerance finally disappeared?"

Sounds quite ominous, right?  I thought it sounded negative.

So I read the article and found that basically what it's saying is that out of Europe Britain is still incredibly tolerant, according to a poll which saw us rate 53%.

Compared to France, Italy and Spain who were much less and Hungary which weighed in just at 16%.

So why have an article like this where the question is loaded in such a way?

It asks the question "Has British tolerance gone?" and the article should just say "No", because it hasn't.  If it had I'd expect the article to explain why, but it hasn't so it doesn't.

Is this the new BBC?  Turning into Clickbait?

Click this link 15 times to find out.

 

It's disappointing we find ourselves potentially embroiled in yet another turmoil in the Middle East, after we bombed Syria along with the US and France.

The problem is that what's going on in Syria really is none of our business.  Just like Gulf War 2 where Tony Blair started a war against Iraq alongside George W Bush & the United States.

There was never any proof of Weapons of Mass Destruction, but that didn't stop us going in claiming they were there.

Look how that ended!

Gulf War 1 was different, Iraq invaded Kuwait and we had to get involved.  There was an actual reason.

Syria is just different, there's no real reason.  There's fake news flying all over about Assad using chemical weapons on his own people, yet there's absolutely no evidence to prove that.

Remember those pictures last year when we bombed because Assad had supposedly attacked his own people?  That picture of the little "orphan" chap sat down all dusty?

Yeah, didn't see the pic of him afterwards no?

Funny that, 'cos he was all smiles and jokes.

And that poor young girl who was also an orphan?  Used in at least 4 different shoots.

These things are staged by ISIS to turn those against Assad as it strengthens their position.

Now, granted, Assad is a dictator, but do you really believe he's just used chemical weapons on his own people, for nothing?  It's ludicrous.

Now we're going to be drawn into a war because America sides with the rebels who want Assad out (which is fine) but also gives gain to ISIS.  Russia is supporting Assad, know why?

Because out of all this, he really IS the good guy (Yeah, I know, tallest Danny Devito contest etc).  Russia aren't siding with him because the US are against him, it's not a game.

Theresa May once again has shown how useless she is, the sooner she goes the better!

 

And finally...

In Satire Corner:

South African to sue Zynga games

Vegans switch focus to animals

 

Facebook can kiss my arse

Facebook, I'm sick of it!

I'm actually on the brink of fucking it off.  I want to see your holiday pictures, I want to see what you're having for dinner.

I want to hear about what you've watched on TV and see pictures of your dog.

What I don't want to see is yet another fucking diagram with a load of glasses and the question "Which one will fill up first?", followed by thousands of dickheads posting the wrong answer.

What I don't want to see is another fucking rip-off of fruit maths with the tagline, "98% of people will get this wrong" or "The puzzle that people are losing their shit over".

Because I don't get it wrong and I'm not losing my shit.

I've started muting people, I've started unfriending people.  I don't care anymore, I don't want to see anymore of that shit!

Speaking of Facebook, more gullible arseholes.

 

And finally...

Over in Satire Corner we have 2 new articles:

Wheelie bins are racist.

First person shooter players could be done for war crimes

Social Media can kiss my ass

Facebook have been in trouble of late after it emerged that UK firm Cambridge Analytica received millions of user data records.

It didn't happen by accident as Facebook claim.  Owner Mark Zuckerberg was summoned to explain himself before the Government but declined, instead opting to send a lackey.

Which just shows the utter contempt the man has.

But that's social media in a nutshell these days.  You see, in these times of our freedom of speech being eroded there are people running these platforms deciding what we can and can't say!

Now, before you start with the old "Freedom of speech doesn't mean you can say anything to anyone without consequence", I completely agree, it's not about that.

Context plays a role, as does who you're saying it to.  Opinion is one thing, and we should be allowed to have an opinion on anything.  If others don't like that opinion then just ignore it, that's what we've always done in the past.

But Facebook and Twitter are now deciding what people can and can't say, the problem is it doesn't apply any consistency to what people can and can't say.

Let me give you an example:

White person says they don't like black people.  Account reported x number of times, account suspended until tweet deleted.

Black person says they don't like white people.  Account reported x number of times.  Nothing happened.

Now, it turns out it was an experiment, but really what's the difference?

There are people sat in call centre type environments monitoring tweets and Facebook posts deciding what can and can't be said.  The problem I have with this approach is that it appears to be very much at the whim of the pleb, as opposed to company policy.

So if one Twitter or Facebook employee finds one post funny and another doesn't there is a chance the post could be taken down.

Censorship? Yep!

 

Speaking of Facebook

Man posts fake meal as Facebook woes mount

 

Can I join your gang?

A Police Male Voice Choir has been told to rebrand itself as a mixed choir in a bid to become "Inclusive".

I shit you not.

As the Police get even more Liberal and Inclusive (AKA wet lettuces) the choir must be mixed in order for women to join.

Now, I'm not sure how a woman can be a tenor (apart from Tenor Lady of course), so how does that work?

It seems we're now in an age where you can't have a Man Only thing as Women MUST be able to join, even if they don't actually want to.  But Women can still have their own Women Only things.

That's the new equality.

I mean, come on!  WHY can't we have gender specific clubs and activities?  Who does it hurt?  Nobody!

Why can't the Police just start a mixed choir as well as having the male only one?  How about having Male Voice, Women Voice and Mixed Voice?

It's just another nail in the coffin for the Police who have become a parody of themselves.  Rather than concentrating on the real important issues they've become obsessed with being so "Right" (Or is that Left...?)

 

Speaking of the Police

Police find new ways to waste money

 

And finally...

Dumb Arse MP and all round racist David Lammy went on TV following a shooting in London claiming he hadn't seen a Police Officer for the whole time he'd been there.

Hmmm.  Pretty sure that's not a Traffic Warden just behind him.

Told you he was a dumb arse.

 

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