It's disappointing we find ourselves potentially embroiled in yet another turmoil in the Middle East, after we bombed Syria along with the US and France.

The problem is that what's going on in Syria really is none of our business.  Just like Gulf War 2 where Tony Blair started a war against Iraq alongside George W Bush & the United States.

There was never any proof of Weapons of Mass Destruction, but that didn't stop us going in claiming they were there.

Look how that ended!

Gulf War 1 was different, Iraq invaded Kuwait and we had to get involved.  There was an actual reason.

Syria is just different, there's no real reason.  There's fake news flying all over about Assad using chemical weapons on his own people, yet there's absolutely no evidence to prove that.

Remember those pictures last year when we bombed because Assad had supposedly attacked his own people?  That picture of the little "orphan" chap sat down all dusty?

Yeah, didn't see the pic of him afterwards no?

Funny that, 'cos he was all smiles and jokes.

And that poor young girl who was also an orphan?  Used in at least 4 different shoots.

These things are staged by ISIS to turn those against Assad as it strengthens their position.

Now, granted, Assad is a dictator, but do you really believe he's just used chemical weapons on his own people, for nothing?  It's ludicrous.

Now we're going to be drawn into a war because America sides with the rebels who want Assad out (which is fine) but also gives gain to ISIS.  Russia is supporting Assad, know why?

Because out of all this, he really IS the good guy (Yeah, I know, tallest Danny Devito contest etc).  Russia aren't siding with him because the US are against him, it's not a game.

Theresa May once again has shown how useless she is, the sooner she goes the better!

 

And finally...

In Satire Corner:

South African to sue Zynga games

Vegans switch focus to animals

 

Facebook can kiss my arse

Facebook, I'm sick of it!

I'm actually on the brink of fucking it off.  I want to see your holiday pictures, I want to see what you're having for dinner.

I want to hear about what you've watched on TV and see pictures of your dog.

What I don't want to see is yet another fucking diagram with a load of glasses and the question "Which one will fill up first?", followed by thousands of dickheads posting the wrong answer.

What I don't want to see is another fucking rip-off of fruit maths with the tagline, "98% of people will get this wrong" or "The puzzle that people are losing their shit over".

Because I don't get it wrong and I'm not losing my shit.

I've started muting people, I've started unfriending people.  I don't care anymore, I don't want to see anymore of that shit!

Speaking of Facebook, more gullible arseholes.

 

And finally...

Over in Satire Corner we have 2 new articles:

Wheelie bins are racist.

First person shooter players could be done for war crimes

Social Media can kiss my ass

Facebook have been in trouble of late after it emerged that UK firm Cambridge Analytica received millions of user data records.

It didn't happen by accident as Facebook claim.  Owner Mark Zuckerberg was summoned to explain himself before the Government but declined, instead opting to send a lackey.

Which just shows the utter contempt the man has.

But that's social media in a nutshell these days.  You see, in these times of our freedom of speech being eroded there are people running these platforms deciding what we can and can't say!

Now, before you start with the old "Freedom of speech doesn't mean you can say anything to anyone without consequence", I completely agree, it's not about that.

Context plays a role, as does who you're saying it to.  Opinion is one thing, and we should be allowed to have an opinion on anything.  If others don't like that opinion then just ignore it, that's what we've always done in the past.

But Facebook and Twitter are now deciding what people can and can't say, the problem is it doesn't apply any consistency to what people can and can't say.

Let me give you an example:

White person says they don't like black people.  Account reported x number of times, account suspended until tweet deleted.

Black person says they don't like white people.  Account reported x number of times.  Nothing happened.

Now, it turns out it was an experiment, but really what's the difference?

There are people sat in call centre type environments monitoring tweets and Facebook posts deciding what can and can't be said.  The problem I have with this approach is that it appears to be very much at the whim of the pleb, as opposed to company policy.

So if one Twitter or Facebook employee finds one post funny and another doesn't there is a chance the post could be taken down.

Censorship? Yep!

 

Speaking of Facebook

Man posts fake meal as Facebook woes mount

 

Can I join your gang?

A Police Male Voice Choir has been told to rebrand itself as a mixed choir in a bid to become "Inclusive".

I shit you not.

As the Police get even more Liberal and Inclusive (AKA wet lettuces) the choir must be mixed in order for women to join.

Now, I'm not sure how a woman can be a tenor (apart from Tenor Lady of course), so how does that work?

It seems we're now in an age where you can't have a Man Only thing as Women MUST be able to join, even if they don't actually want to.  But Women can still have their own Women Only things.

That's the new equality.

I mean, come on!  WHY can't we have gender specific clubs and activities?  Who does it hurt?  Nobody!

Why can't the Police just start a mixed choir as well as having the male only one?  How about having Male Voice, Women Voice and Mixed Voice?

It's just another nail in the coffin for the Police who have become a parody of themselves.  Rather than concentrating on the real important issues they've become obsessed with being so "Right" (Or is that Left...?)

 

Speaking of the Police

Police find new ways to waste money

 

And finally...

Dumb Arse MP and all round racist David Lammy went on TV following a shooting in London claiming he hadn't seen a Police Officer for the whole time he'd been there.

Hmmm.  Pretty sure that's not a Traffic Warden just behind him.

Told you he was a dumb arse.

 

A woman was arrested this week after blowing a toy trumpet at a policeman.

Good to see our plod's "lack of resources" put to good use again.

The lady was arrested at a protest about cutting down trees in Sheffield.

Arrested at a tree protest? I hope the copper was from Special Branch.

 

Plane crazy

There was "uproar" according to a shitty red top newspaper this week after a pilot and his co-pilot were filmed messing about with Snapchat.

Whilst flying the plane.

Shock horror!  Sack them now and send them to prison!

Maybe not, see a) There wasn't uproar or anything of the sort - only the paper itself, and b) The plane was fitted with this new fangled device called "Auto pilot".

Clearly the newspaper has never heard of it.  It also clearly was not aware that this auto pilot thingy is active when the plane is cruising.

So apart from sitting around what are the pilots going to do?

An auto pilot yesterday

But this whole thing struck me further, because it's with the advent of camera phones that people have become what I can only describe as "Right grassing bastards".

See, before camera phones none of this shit happened.  People weren't taking out their Polaroid or Kodak Disc cameras to get evidence of well, it's not even wrong doing, it's just being a twat.

"I'll show them bastards at the council for blocking my driveway!  I'll send a picture of the van to them just as soon as it comes back from Truprint", said no-one ever.

The whole thing about camera phones just seems to be people going out of their way to be nasty, finding reasons to grass on people or make people look bad.

There's an account on Twitter which retweets some usually spectacularly bad parking.  The account, aptly named "You park like a cunt" (YPLAC) is usually pretty humorous in that it showcases some shockingly bad parking, many of which appear to be in supermarket car parks.  But, there are times when someone gets a bee in their bonnet about a van parked somewhere and really takes the hump.

I've seen people moaning about vans parked on kerbs etc, with the associated company copied into the tweet.  Why would you do that?  Why would you try and get someone into trouble for parking somewhere where frankly they might even need to be?  It's not like you're providing evidence of someone driving a truck whilst holding a mobile phone, which in my opinion is worth grassing over.

It just seems to be the norm now that we're constantly looking for things to take a snap of and can't wait to try and get some poor fucker sacked.

 

Hate Crime

Who'd be a TV critic?

 

It were the Ruskis

Classic blame game these days.  But as the fallout (no pun intended) continues over the poisoning of a former spy and his daughter a few things don't seem right.

The attack happened not far from where the substance was actually invented.

We knew what the substance was immediately, despite tests requiring 2-3 days for accurate results.

We're blaming Russia who are saying it's not them.  Fair enough, I've got kids and according to them they've never done anything wrong either.  Maybe they're Russian?

Anyway, I digress, we're blaming Russia but using that old, "You did it, prove to us it wasn't you!" tactic.

Which is a bit like talking religion with someone and getting them to prove there is a God and they retort with, "Prove there isn't".

Errrr OK, well the fact nobody has ever seen him or her or it or Xis/Xer/ABC and all the shit that goes on in the world pretty much wins the debate by default.

But prove otherwise and I'll believe you all day long.

So, Russia have to prove to May-Bot that they weren't in the country going to restaurants and poisoning people.  That's quite easy really, look at the passports.

Or maybe intelligence, if we fucking had any.

But this leads me on to something else, bear with me here.

What if WE poisoned those people, so that we then have a reason to cancel Brexit?

Think about it, May was a Remainer.  She can't suddenly go from being Pro Remain to Pro Leave and be happy about it.  The fact that we're making fuck all progress in Brexit negotiations says she's not keen.  She's totally out of her depth as a PM.

But what if this was used now to try and show Russia in a bad light (Yes, I KNOW they're bastards, they're not exactly the best behaved country going) and therefore end up along the lines of, "Russia are a set of shits.  To be honest we're better off with our friends (guffaw) in the EU, therefore Brexit is postponed until such time they're not a threat.  Or after I have left office and it's some other poor Tobys problem."

I mean, fucking hell, say it in a May-Bot voice!  I'm one convincing bastard.

Now, would you like to buy some pegs?

 

And finally...

Don't be a speakphone paedophile.

 

Flo and Joan - The last word

A couple of weeks ago the Nationwide released a statement which said that they had approached the Met Police because they were concerned that the talentless fools had received "death threats" on Twitter.
 
Hapless news aggregator "Metro" ran an article on the statement, it even published some of the tweets.  The tweets weren't released by the Nationwide, basically someone at the Metro did what's called a "search" on Twitter for anything F+J related and lo and behold results came back.
 
Having reviewed the tweets I can honestly say that not a single one could or should be considered to be a death threat.
 
A death threat should, I imagine, be directed to the "victim" in question and should actually threaten death.  There's a clue in the title.
 
A few of the online papers took up the story, most of the examples used were the same tweet, however the Metro article may have possibly shown an article by, ahem, yours truly.
 
A tweet which has been deleted since, sadly.
 
However, was it a threat?  No.  Had it appeared from a celeb or a comedian like Ricky Gervais it wouldn't have had the same airtime.
 
In truth the whole thing smacks of a publicity stunt from the Nationwide, I monitored the situation afterwards (from my panic room) and in all honesty there were more people in support of those who dislike the pair than in support of them.
 
It seems to have gone quiet now, so the Met are clearly not following up with it.  If they had it would also prove beyond all reasonable doubt that they're not interested in tackling real crimes and that thought crime and calling people names online is where it's at.
 
 
Jamie Carragher
I hope somebody writes a book about how close he came to winning the Premier League and calls it "Within Spitting Distance"
 
Anyway..
 
Last week it emerged that former Liverpool defender Jamie Carragher spat from his car at a 14 year old girl.
 
He was suspended from his role at Sky Sports, at this stage until the end of the season.
 
Now, the headline was all very biased, how disgusting for a grown man to spit at a 14 year old girl eh?
 
Yeah, until you delve a little deeper into what actually happened.
 
The guy who reported it was driving down a dual carriageway or motorway, parallel to Carragher.  Whilst doing so he was also filming on his phone and goading the former player who had just been commentating on the Man United v Liverpool game.  A game in which United won.
 
Jamie lost his cool after a one goad too many, and spat out of his car.
 
The guy recording then played the victim saying to his camera, "That's nice, Jamie Carragher just spat at my 14 year old daughter".
 
He didn't spit at your daughter though did he?  He spat at your car.
 
Now, as a United fan I've no love for Carragher, although he is usually impartial when it comes to United (unlike some who love to get digs in all the time), and I'm certainly not defending him spitting.  But for the love of god, here is a man filming on his phone whilst driving down a road, clearly not keeping his eye on the road, with his 14 year old daughter in the car.
 
What should happen to the pair of them?
 
Carragher is suspended from Sky Sports until the end of the season.  No further action from the Police.
 
The driver of the car?  6 points on his licence and a fine for holding a mobile phone whilst driving.  Extra points and a fine for inciting whilst driving.
 
Thrown the fucking book at him, the twonk.
 
 
Ant and Dec? More like Shunt and Wrecked.
 
So, Ant (of Ant and Dec) got himself slightly refreshed and drove his car, resulting in an accident in which a 3 year old child was taken to hospital.
 
And what happened?
 
Everybody came out with the old, "Aww he's got demons, bless him.  Leave him alone to let him sort himself out".
 
Again.
 
Remind me what social media would have been like if it was just average Joe who did the same:
 
"Hang him", "Lock him up and throw away the key"
 
The excuse being that he's been depressed.  Now, I've known a few people who suffer with depression, hell I went through it myself once and at no point did they or I get in a car absolutely wankered and drive it home.
 
I get that Ant and Dec are popular, but that doesn't excuse behaviour like this.
 
It's not long since Ant was out of "rehab" for supposedly being addicted to painkillers.  Except, that's not quite true is it?
 
The truth is, he likes his chisel and he got caught out.  All this bollocks about being addicted to painkillers is just that, bollocks.
 
We shouldn't feel sorry for him, he had a choice to get tanked up and drive.  With all the money he has he could have had a driver or got one of those things we call a "Taxi".
 
He should be punished to the full extent of the law, just like a non celeb would be.
 
And finally...
 
Here's a rant about Freedom of speech.
 
 

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